An update. Weight loss surgery coming.

 Hello, my little oft-neglected weight loss journal!

It's June of 2021. I just turned 39. I recently decided to have gastric bypass surgery. I went with the BF to visit family out of state for Christmas (of 2020) and during the trip, I just felt horrible about my weight. I had been eating whatever I wanted and being lazy and was steadily gaining, as a Tish does. I remember eating a meal with family that left me feeling so gross and uncomfortable. I hated how I looked in the photos we were taking. The plane trip was miserable. 

At the high weight of 282, I decided enough was enough and when we came back to Houston, I started eating at a calorie deficit and walking consistently. I put money on a bet at healthywage.com and it's been surprisingly keeping my ass in line. I'm about 10 or 11 days away from ending the 6-month long bet.  I am only 2.4 lbs away from completing that!! I put about $300 in and will earn about $800 when I finish.

Somewhere along the way, I started seriously considering weight loss surgery since I now have a job that provides health insurance. I had a first contact with a surgeon in March and have now completed the requirements and have been approved by the insurance company and am just waiting for the surgery center to call me to schedule the surgery. 

I'm excited.  A little scared, but more excited. I know that it's going to take a lot of work. I see it as only being a small help.  It's still going to be about 80% my effort.  (Well, maybe about 40% my effort for the first 6 months to a year.)  

I'm in the process of finding a therapist since insurance will take care of that, too. I stopped seeing James, my last therapist, because of "covid". I know I have to have therapy in place to be successful over the long-haul.  I still can't say WHY I feel so compelled to eat junk.  I mean, sometimes it is because of the social aspect - when you're on double date or a group outing, it is so hard to be the odd one out not drinking and indulging.  But sometimes I just get weird urges to eat junk food out of nowhere. And it's so hard to even stop and give myself time to put coping mechanisms into place. So yeah, I need to work on this.

Losing my job at the printing place ending up being a blessing in disguise.  It led me to getting a job with a school district that provides health insurance benefits and now my life is changing for the better! (I lost the other job because of "cut backs due to covid" but they rehired a former employee for a similar position right at the same time, so I think they were bullshitting).

So anyway, here I am, having lost almost 40 pounds since January (through CICO and walking). Hopeful to get this surgery soon so I can have my summer off to recover!

Another new start

Well, things went downhill during/after the holidays. I've been eating irresponsibly and exercising very little and have gained back all the weight I lost since June.

My pants are getting too tight. My shirts feel too small. My snoring and carpel tunnel have worsened. I just feel so gross and huge and bad about myself.

Today I felt fed up and ready to get back on track.  I will never give up.

sabotaging thoughts/responses from Beck Diet Solution

I'm starting to notice the responses I'm having to sabotaging thoughts!

I thought about eating a cookie sitting near my desk at work.

Thought: I don't have to eat everything I see. Momentary highs are not worth sacrificing my why's!

My stomach growled and I thought "ughhh I'm so hungry".

Thought: Hunger is not an emergency. I can tolerate this.

Woohoo!!

Week 1 out of 4, DOWN! :)

I completed my first weekend of tracking my calories and it was a success!
Friday night, we went to Niko Niko's and I got a mini gyro sandwich and grilled veggies.  I was able to fit that into my daily calories and only went over by about 20.  I felt really good about that because it was a really delicious meal and yet I stuck to my goals!

All weekend, I noticed myself making better choices than I was going completely without tracking. I think this will be good for me. I was still able to splurge and have alcohol and candy. Just not as much as the old Tish would've liked.  I guess it's about finding a balance between old Tish (no restrictions whatsoever) and Perfect Tish (overly restricted).

I'm hoping - no PLANNING! to have just as successful an experience next weekend! 

New calorie plan

Ok, so I just finished my 4th month of healthy eating. The past month or so had some slip-ups and I went a little too crazy on the weekends.  I lost .6 for the month. I think I need more structure for the weekends so I recalculated my TDEE and am going for a 15% reduction. I am reconfiguring to take away from the weekdays to give me more on the weekends. I will track everything on the weekends but will still have more calories to work with.

calculated from EMWL website (Eat More, Weight Less)

TDEE (maintenance calories): 2,612

15% deficit: 2,220

per week: 15,540

reconfiguration:

M-F:  2,000 daily

Sat:  2,770

Sun:  2,770

non-scale victories

month of August - lost 5.8 in a month even with a week of vacation!
9/6 - reached out and found an accountabilibuddy, Vanessa!
10/16 - didn't partake in fajita lunch at work!
10/17 - recommitted to my health goals, determined to have successful days!
10/23 - got super stressed at work, cried and looked at cute animal pictures in the bathroom instead of turning to food
10/26 - got 20, 397 steps in one day!
10/27 - stuck to my calorie limit even though it was Sunday (switched days)
10/28 - resisted pizza in the break room at work!
10/29 - didn't let the scale discourage me (.6 loss in past 4 wks), changed up my goals
10/29 - set up my xbox dancing game so I can turn to that for joy/stress relief
10/31- didn't give in to the pizza, donuts, kolaches and candy that was everywhere at work! (Aside from 1 fun size candy that I was able to fit into my calories for the day!)
11/2-3 - Had a successful weekend of tracking calories for my first time (having to estimate is hard for me!)
11/4  - I resisted the new display of sweets at work (cake, oreo truffles) as well as the huge pile of candy on the reception desk during my lunch coverage duty.  Yay!

Reasons I'm losing weight

1. to avoid health problems that I could've prevented
2. less snoring
3. I can wear whatever I want and look decent
4. to avoid humiliation when I can't do things because of my size
5. stamina for fun active stuff like dancing and hiking
6. making healthy choices makes me feel good about myself
7. to make my loved ones proud of me
8. to be attractive to my boyfriend
9. because unchecked, I gain and gain and gain
10. better sex - stamina, confidence in how I look, flexibility
11. more confidence in social situations
12. to feel more comfortable in hot weather
13. to not feel as self-conscious in skimpy clothes
14. it feels good to feel in-control
15. so I won't hate the way I physically feel in my body
16. so I won't be judged unfairly
17. better job opportunities
18. it sucks to keep buying clothes in bigger and bigger sizes
19. to not have to constantly tug at my shirt to make sure my stomach is covered
20. so I can enjoy feeling my boyfriend's hands on my waist